if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
