I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
