My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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