I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Randomize
