how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
