oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
