I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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