I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
