I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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