I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
