Sorry, I don't speak sober.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
