Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
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I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
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Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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