I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
