im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
