I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
