WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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