Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
pray to the hookup gods
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
