Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
