you didnt know i had herpes?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
