He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
