Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
