also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
