i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
