ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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