I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
