if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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