Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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