just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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