did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
