Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You're a waste of cheezeits
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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