Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
