dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I cannot find my penis.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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