i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
