I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
