it was like a zeppelin in a condom
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
