dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
