She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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