This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
OPIZZABONMYDICK
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
