I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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