Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
