Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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