where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He has the fingertips of a God
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
