Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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