we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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