I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
