The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
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will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
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You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize