even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Randomize
