If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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