i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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