we made out on top of his cat.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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