quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
