The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
