We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
