Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
